Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
