tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
time to smoke my breakfast
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My penis needs a shock collar
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
