I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
vagina is talking i cant
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
