Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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