I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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