This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
