my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
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