I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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