omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize