There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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