: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
