Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
