Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Did I show you my penis last night?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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