her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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