I want to stick my p in your. b.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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