Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
they need to just BURY HIM!
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
