my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Terrible idea I love it
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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