I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
