I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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