My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
