Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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