I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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