I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
