Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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