if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
