You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
birth control should be required to get into college
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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