He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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