God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
