The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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