you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
