I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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