You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
