i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
