Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
