I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
