I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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