My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
