a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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