I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
