Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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