How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize