If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
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