what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
