Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
your like the ambassador to my penis.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The struggles of a small town man whore
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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