How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
