can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
