I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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