If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
