she woke up with a sticky ear
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
