i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
