he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
