So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
