Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Randomize
