i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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