I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
