i wish peter jackson would direct porn
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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