so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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