i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
