Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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