I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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