This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
