I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize