You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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