If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
