Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
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