I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
